"Why do you love having babies so much?" I was asked this question the other day and while it isn't the first time it has ever come up, it was the first time I had an actual answer to give. I've spent a lot of this year digging deep; dealing with and treating my anxiety for the first time and delving into the worlds of personal development, vulnerability, shame, yoga, and many other topics. In doing this I was finally able to stop attempting to deny my true passion for midwifery and stop going in circles trying to find another field that was more "family friendly" (ha!). I was finally able to say, "You're supposed to be a midwife and you need to stop being so scared, apply to school, and see what happens." During this journey of figuring out who I was and why I'm here I discovered some really great research and books written by Brene' Brown. She studies shame and vulnerability and I can't describe how much her work has helped me. Shame was a regular part of my life growing up. My own self talk was incredibly critical and not at all helpful in my attainment of a meaningful life. One of the things she talks about often is how allowing ourselves to feel joy can be difficult. That surprised me quite a bit and I found myself subconsciously eye rolling. We all want to feel joy, right? It's the plight of the human experience to constantly find a way to feel joy through the crap that life throws at us. Yes. And, no. She explains incredibly well about why joy and vulnerability-which by the way, society grooms us to avoid at all costs-are inextricably linked. The moment we feel joy because of a connection, we realize that it can be taken from us. For some of us this creates a way of walking through the world in defense mode. "I'm not going to feel so excited about this because when it's over, it's really going to hurt." I lived my life this way. Except when I had babies. Their births and those precious, fleeting postpartum moments were the few times I let that guard down and felt pure joy. This was easier for me to do after the births when I could physically feel my baby emerge from my body, and studies show that the way we birth, but more importantly the way we feel about our power over the birth process impacts our feelings about our babies and our postpartum times. To feel joy so soon after the intensity of labor and birth is such a paradox. Any mother can tell you though about the deep joy that comes in those few minutes right after birth. Sniffing your babies head. Watching their eyes rise to find you. Feeling the warmth of their wriggling bodies against your skin. Despite the blood, and the uterus cramping as it works to shrink back down, and the pure exhaustion that is having a human being leave your body-no matter the exit path-it's the most joyful feeling I've ever felt. It's also why we're so vulnerable postpartum and why it's so incredibly important that we are surrounded by kind, supportive people. It is the paradox of parenthood. I love my children so much I can't stand it and also it could all be taken from me in an eye's blink. So yes, pregnancy and birthing children is hard work. Nothing compared to raising them, however. I love having babies so much because it is so joyful for me.
