Why I don't NEED a postpartum doula, and why I'm hiring one anyway.
Have you heard of a postpartum doula? The idea is pretty much genius. In most other cultures around the world, new moms are doted on for several weeks following birth. In some cultures mom will leave her bed only to shower and use the restroom. How different it is from the United States. Fathers are given a very short paternity leave (if any) to bond with baby and protect and love on their spouse following birth. We see women up and back to their normal routine in record time. I'm not interested in being one of those women. Birth is a monumental thing for a body to process. It happens every single day of course, but not every single day for each of us. I will have very few of these special times in my life and I want to spend it breathing in my new baby. Learning about her. Welcoming her to our family and integrating her siblings into her care. Mopping is not on the list of things. Actually, mopping isn't even allowed by my midwives, they are that awesome. Bending over five thousand times a day to pick up Legos and train tracks and dolls after I've recently expelled a child from my uterus isn't either. So what's a girl to do? Three older kids who are accustomed to being fed and a house that does usually see a light cleaning on a regular basis. A postpartum doula of course! I'm not interested in having a baby nanny. And a postpartum doula is not a nanny. What I do want is someone to help with the things that keep me from nursing and napping and changing diapers and reading books with my olders. Light housework, meal prep, small errands. Holding baby while I shower. She does all that. Some are even trained in lactation and most have lots of knowledge about babies in general. Someone to ask, "Is this normal?" to.
You might be thinking that you already have someone who can and will come do all these things. Your mom, a close friend, your mother in law maybe. If you do, that is amazing. Soak it up. Enjoy it. Ask anyone who stops by to throw in a load of laundry or boil a pot of water for spaghetti. People love having something to do. This is the way that communities have worked for a long time; the "it takes a village" mentality and I love seeing when a mama has people around her to do this. For many of us though, this is no longer reality. My ties to the military community alone have shown me just how many of us are thousands of miles away from family. How many of us who haven't plugged into a tribe yet to have this kind of support.
My family and I are strict budgeters. There is quite a difference between needs and wants in our household. Postpartum doulas are not free. They aren't even cheap. This is not a need for us. I could resume my usual chaos after my husband's ten days of paternity leave are up. I've certainly done it before. The result was not pretty. I was exhausted. My body didn't heal quickly. My mental health absolutely suffered. Or, I can scrimp and save and put some money that I might've used towards a cute diaper bag or outfits that aren't hand me downs, and hire someone who can help me to make the most of this short newborn time with our new daughter. I won't remember the diaper bag fifteen years from now. I certainly won't remember most of the outfits she will have had on. But I will remember whether I was a stressed, frazzled mama trying to do too much with too little help, or a calm, peaceful mama who had what I needed, too.