Thoughts from a used to be single mom.

It feels a little wrong to say this, but I get nostalgic for my days of single momdom. Totally just made that word up. Heaven knows it isn't easy. It can be lonely. And tiring. Feeling like everybody else has this picture perfect family and you got left behind. Here come the bills and its your check paying them, every time. A child has surgery and you're the only parent there to hand them into the arms of the doctor who you pray will bring them safely back to you. The parent there nearly crying tears of joy when they come back just fine. Locking the door at night, just you and your little person. Hoping at the beginning you don't hear any weird noises and then eventually not worrying anymore.

With all those hard things though came a feeling of confidence for me. I was doing it. Not totally on my own. We all have a support system. But at the end of the day it was my little guy and I. I didn't have to discuss parenting decisions with anyone. I made the money. I paid the rent and for the food and the clothes and the toys. It forced me out of my comfort zone on a nearly daily basis. There is something freeing about that. I worked, went to school, raised a sweet little boy and certainly felt like I was accomplishing more than I do these days. These days my contribution to my family doesn't involve dollars. That feels "off" for me. It always has and it always will. The opportunity to stay home with my children has been the absolute highlight of my life so far. I wouldn't trade the beautiful, amazing family I have now for the world. But I won't pretend there aren't aspects of that life I don't miss too. I'm so thankful to have had the opportunity to experience both. Wherever you are in life, you might be surprised to look back on it fondly. Even in those days of feeling rejected and alone I recognize now that I was working on learning how to be by myself. Because I had the opportunity to do that I know that I'll always be able to. It's all a lesson, that's for sure.

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